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Opened Eyes

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1 Opened Eyes on Thu Mar 25, 2010 8:33 pm

Again, there is not much I can say about anything. There's this overwhelming feeling I can't explain, like this river of shallow warmth, this openness of the greatest plain, this giant light on this tiny reflection. I don't know how to understand it. It vibrates from my very core like a burning moth getting caught in the flame, traveling towards the moon. Like the only fox in the woods, and those woods are at his disposal. I can ONLY explain this to you in metaphors. It is like a constant dream that never ends and I cannot end it or begin it. I have no idea what I'm even saying right now. All I know is that any words I say, no matter how many words, will never be enough to express the compassion I have for these words and you can only get a tiny subjective glimpse into my being. This feeling is amazing. This is what they call love. It's beyond intense, it's pure. It's so pure I do not even feel worthy. I have found myself inside of everyone else, and it all lead back to me. I have slightly overcome the overlapping mind that holds my patterns of living in place and I have seen what it truly is. I have looked beyond the human perception and have become aware that I am not the only one percieving. I have come to know that where there is nothing, you will find everything. I have also come to find that faith, not in a deity, but in the power residing in you that is beyond your control, is the strongest kind of faith that has ever existed. I radiate with this feeling. I feel the same about everyone. I want to be with everyone and show them this, but it's not time yet. There's too much chaos.

This feeling is pure. Unlived. Unknown. All the same. And there are still many experiences I haven't experienced, but that doesn't matter, they will come when they do. To hold my place on this earth and actually be aware of that placing is a gift. I write that everywhere and think about it all the time but it is so true. I don't care if there is nothing to be grateful for. I am grateful. I don't care if I create my own reality. I have faith that I am being led. I am not a follower, I am a seeker of truth, which neither leads nor followers. I'm in a line of many that don't care and don't understand modern society. I don't know why I'm here. I don't care. I have beliefs as to why I'm here and whats beyond my eyes but that proves nothing, and I have nothing to prove. I am me, and that me is who I wish to be, because I am everything there is to be. I say this like I live it, when I do live it, but it is not always that easy. But everything is how it should be. It is all balanced. It all just is. You can try and put people on guilt trips, you can try anything you wish, but if you realized it, you would not understand or care for the ideas and judgements of modern society. It's like an open book, choose what you want to read and leave the rest. This is like an open book- only you must read every word and experience every word to come to grips with this whole idea. I just want to live and be happy. I have things I want. I have desires and fears just like every other person. But I see their illusion, and I am grateful I can experience them.

I really want to know if there is something beyond this world. I know I am not alone, but I also still have my doubts. It is not an easy road to travel. It takes much thoughts and experience to be able to let all of that go. I am seriously letting go, and it's scary. I fear things still. And in accepting that, I have already conquered them halfway.

It's faith.. It's all about knowing without knowing. The truth lying in paradox is not the truth at all, but one needs both halves to make a whole. A duality. Two, after all, comes from one. I would give whatever I could to people, and I don't expect anything back. But this place can be such a harsh place for compassion, indeed it is a struggle at times. But NOTHING beats the love that I am. If you disagree, you're not there yet. If you agree, then there must be something to agree with. That is the beginning. And there is no end. I have learned the power of the heart, which is essentially the core of love, which the subconscious mind is tied to, I think. Everything works out of love. In trusting the words I do not think about, and feeling them seemingly pour out of me, I channel the love beyond the surface. This is intuition. This is everything. There is nothing more to want or know, only the petty beliefs on the surface do I still seek. Some call this enlightenment- I call it life. I walk around with my eyes open. So does not every one else. But at least I am aware of it now, and that is all it takes. Faith- although the various techniques and people I have met have affected me greatly, faith was my foot in the door of this path, so much that I was able to be opened to all sorts of things. Faith in the universe. Faith in love. I do not know why I trust the universe so, it is my symbolic everything. I trust the natural flow of life (which is love) with my reality and my wellbeing, and I have not been strayed from my path. This is hard to display in real life to those who don't not understand, it's like I must put on an act and look miserable when I am truly not. That is difficult to handle. But it's not impossible. I don't know what else to say- although I will always have more to say about it, because this feeling is infinite, going on forever is futile.

I think I have found truth. I hate to use that word but I feel it's appropriate. Truth in awareness. Truth in the cosmos? Maybe that will come at a later date. But for now this is where I am and where I will stay. It seems like yesterday I was trashed and on the verge of suicide and hopelessness in the back of a police car going to meet my fate. It seems like yesterday, I was being used so I could fit in with people, because I did not understand myself. I look back and see this confused bumbling idiot who would do anything to try and make sense of being alone. It seems like all of this was born out of struggle. It's not fair, I wish everyone could be like this, but it's not. But it is fair.. Well that's one thing I haven't accepted. It doesn't feel right to say something is not fair when everything just is. There is no fairness.

The last thing I am trying to do is brag. But I feel people need to know this.. And they can only know this by first knowing it is possible. By anyone, under any circumstance.


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